Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
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we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.