I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
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the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney