My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
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wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day