Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
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Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
my one true gender
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill