Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
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What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
✌🏽
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED