“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
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You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
crying
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.