Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
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Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?