How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
You Might Also Like
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Livid.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”