[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
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yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.