Mission: Impossible
You Might Also Like
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
ok this is my dumbest yet
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope