If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
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Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help