My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
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Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
this is the greatest thing ever
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range