My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
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She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”