if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
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barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes