I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
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People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.