[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
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Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*