Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
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Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
What do you hear?