You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
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The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.