Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
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And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.