Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
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get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.