I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
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Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.