Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
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Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I’m Sold!
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Not today, today.
Not today.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.