Message from the dog groomers
You Might Also Like
they should invent a hydrating liquor
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..