Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
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get you a girl who
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
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I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”