Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
You Might Also Like
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…