A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
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Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward