Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
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me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.