my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
You Might Also Like
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.