I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
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*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.