Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
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the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
There are usually two types of merchants.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?