This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
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I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
want me to check your oil?
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
this is so top tier i cant
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”