I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
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god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.