Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
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When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Friday
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.