Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
You Might Also Like
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”