please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
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Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Born to be mild.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.