My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
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It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I’d … I’d rather not.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.