Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
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Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.