Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
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If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Breaking news:
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence