People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
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I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.