I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
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I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.