Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
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*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands