the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
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Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon