You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
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Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
#parenting
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.