I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
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No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*