5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
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A small tragedy.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty