I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
You Might Also Like
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.