“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
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{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Oh hi lol
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.