If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
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FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.