If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
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Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”