It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
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I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.